Now that my family has been updated, I can share this here. Please read it all the way through.
After 1 year and 11 months of trying to find a treatment that both my bone and liver tumors will respond to, we finally have a winner. I started taxol in May and it took awhile to find a dose I could tolerate but I think we're on the right track now! I'm praying that this pattern continues as long as possible.
This is the results from the 2 tumor marker tests they run on me each week. You can see how the spike plummeted and then slows recently with lowering my dose. Dramatic response 🙂 Rejoice with me in this good news!
For clarification-
What this means: chemo is killing my cancer cells and my side effects are now tolerable with the reduced dose. Treatment will continue until it stops working. For the rest of my life.
What this does not mean: I am not cured. I am not in remission. I am not pain-free. I am not done with chemo and therapy.
Now, you've probably noticed haven't been giving regular updates. There are several reasons for that but I'm not sure any of them really matter to anyone but me. I'm learning that it's taking too much out of me to keep trying to live like I am used to. Busy, active, social. I also found that by my sharing here so freely, I was removing the obstacle some of you felt to check in and see how I'm doing. Things got real quiet. I mean, R-E-A-L quiet. I started sharing my updates here as a way to record my journey in hopes it would help others facing breast cancer. I wanted to be an encouragement to them. It was also to be informative and educational. That's just my nature. Something changed though. Not just with this pandemic but that didn't help. Family and friends who used to reach out stopped calling or texting. Assumptions were made and a false sense of peace fell upon some of my loved ones. They forgot that Facebook is a "highlight reel" of happy faces and posed or staged photos capturing the "safe" moments people want to hear about. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for those moments. A picture of joy, photos of me working or playing, they all capture a moment in time without much story behind them. Like what it actually "costs" me to do those seemlingly normal activities. They were never intended to be a replacement for human contact, fellowship, or a full picture of what my life really looks like. They are a small glimpse of a special moment. Nothing more. Guys, this is hard. And the covid garbage has made it even worse.
So what is real and true?
Let me tell ya...
I go for chemo almost every Friday. It eats up a good portion of my day and leaves me tired but mostly fine afterward. Saturday is usually a good day for me and I have enjoyed little adventures with Charlie or a girlfriend. Sundays start off good but by 3 or 4 in the afternoon, I'm in pain throughout my body and feel ill. Monday is the worst. I'm on the couch or in bed most of the day. Nothing really helps so I just rest and try to not be a grump to my family.
Tuesdays, things improve, I try to work, and by late afternoon I typically feel much better. Wednesdays are spent doing whatever work I'm able to do that didn't get done Tuesday. Thursdays are full of appointments. Rinse, repeat. My diminished ability to work and contribute to my household have added to the burden I feel from my the effects of my health. I have experienced a deeper depression than ever before in my life and needed help...and still do. Mental health, depression, suicide...these aren't things people talk about.* It's easier to claim a #selfcareday and put on a fake smile then to let people know you are hurting and desperately lonely. I know because I do it too.
There are no guilt trips included in this message. On one hand, it's just my gentle reminder to reach out and truly listen to the ones you hold dear to you. On the other hand, if this struck a cord with you and you recognize that you've been prone to do this, fix it. Let your conscience lead you and speak up, acknowledge it, and then resolve to do better. Send a text, drop a card in the mail, pick up the phone. I can't tell you how valuable I have found these gestures as I have walked this road.
To those that have been by my side through the ups and downs, thank you. God has blessed me with your love.
❤Tika
*P.S. If you are one who, like me, has experienced depression, suicidal thoughts or impulses, please get help. There is no shame in needing it and the sooner we take away the stigma of mental health issues, the better.
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